How It Makes My Brother Feel..

Our words and actions have great effects on those around us. The way we speak, the choices we make, the decisions we take; these are not just about us, they have effects on others as well. Consider the case of a child who, by harming himself/herself, hurts the feelings of his/her mother as well, or causes her to worry. How much more for when we actually hurt others, not ourselves, by actions or our words.

We are like a web, our lives are interconnected. We cannot go by without making the consideration of the feelings of others a part of our personalities. Just like a person would not want to speak about how cute and awesome his/her kids are in front of someone who has just lost hers, or about how much money he/she has to someone who has just gone bankrupt, all because this would only hurt them more. Also, a father would not decide to travel away without informing his family because they would be worried. It also extends to making careful consideration and selection of the words we speak and the actions we make because we do not want them to have negative impacts on those around us.

It is part of hayaa (modesty) to examine our words and our actions before speaking or carrying them out. The hayaa that gauges our imaan, and beautifies our morals and character.

When you find yourself giving second thoughts before speaking or acting, thinking “how would this make my brother feel?” and not just “how does this benefit me? Or how does this affect me?” then you have beautiful hayaa. Beautiful hayaa that makes you shy and uncomfortable hurting the feelings of others. The hayaa that makes you cautious of your speech and actions because it behooves you to speak or do that which is only the best and brings forth only the best.

This goes to say, even when your actions have no effect on you, even when you gain nothing or lose nothing by doing them or saying them, if atleast it makes your brother smile, cheers him up, makes him happy, inspires him, encourages him or lifts his spirit; then you have enough reason to say/do it.  Which one of us would not want to be among those mentioned by the prophet (salAllahu alayhi wa sallam) as the best of people? “Those who bring happiness to their muslim brother” and “those with excellent character”, “those who are best to their companions”.

If making your brother smile and making him happy has such great merit, then how about doing the opposite? How about when you say things or do things that hurt the feelings of your brother? When you do things that make him feel humiliated, degraded, sad or disturbed? How grave would that be as a wrongdoing? 

Sometimes we consider it trivial, putting the feelings of others into consideration. Someone might assume that he/she only needs to seek Allah’s pleasure and no one else’s. but have you not heard that “Allah is kind and He loves Kindness, and He gives (in reward) for kindness that which He does not give for the lack of it?” and that when you show mercy to those on earth you are inviting Allah’s mercy upon you. How can we even think that to please the heart of our fellow human beings is not important, when that is where Allah’s gaze falls. Allaah loves His slaves so much, that angering them would be angering Him as well, and pleasing them would be pleasing Him as well. Among the means to get closer to Allah is by being kind, compassionate and merciful to His creatures.

When you smile at your parents, your siblings or your spouse; when you assist them, or give them complements just to make them happy, you are gaining the pleasure of Allah. When you say something nice to a friend, or a neighbor, or when you help cheer a sad person up, Allah would be pleased with you. Infact even when you give careful thoughts, to select the best possible, most polite and most effective way to give advice, make a correction or point out a person’s fault, you are developing excellent morals and gaining the pleasure of Allah.

However, this does not include withholding the truth in attempt to refrain from hurting your brother’s feelings. Or saying words untrue, or doing deeds that are against the commands of Allah, acts of disobedience to Allah just to gain the pleasure of your brother. These are things that are clear and that we must not compromise. But for words or deeds that do not fall within this realm, they are not only accepted but highly encouraged as well. :)

May Allah increase our understanding and bless us with beautiful characters and make us among those who bring joy to the hearts of those around us. Aameen.

Our attitude towards wrong..

Imagine someone dying, on a sick bed, caught with some dangerous disease and is so weak and helpless….his/her situation is almost irremediable, there’s a little chance that he/she will come out of it…are you still imagining??….So imagine that this same person, while you go to visit him/her at the hospital or at some encounter with the person, he/she throws an insult at you or yells at you or even hits you…will you get angry?? Really now, will you?? I know its going to be hard, especially if this persists...and it would also hurt, and it is clearly wrong…this person has no excuse for their actions, but on your part, perhaps you will be more concerned about the person’s situation than their actions towards you. Perhaps you will be more occupied with thinking of how you can help them, how you can save them and help them find cure to their disease than how deep their insult was…perhaps this will be your primary concern…because it is in fact what should be :)

This is the attitude we should all have towards wrong, the attitude we should portray when we see wrong, or when wrong is done to us. Our concern should be how we can help them quit the wrongdoing, and how we can help them overcome it and change for the better, more than how much effect their actions have on us. This is the essence of Compassion. The compassion that Rasulullaah (salAllahu alayhi wa Sallam) mentioned as regards to what the believers should have for one another. The sinner is like a drowning person. He/she is in need of help. Anyone could be drowning and such a person would definitely need help.

This ill person mentioned above, is that person who you see that is struggling with one sin or the other…whatever it is, major or minor. whether it is directly affecting you or not. It may be as seemingly trivial as bad speaking manners, they may speak to you in a way that is very impolite and rude, without consideration. Just try not to get angry, if you can advice them, then do so or make dua for them. make dua that Allah guides them towards beautiful character and for Him to forgive them. It could be anything really, any wrongdoing at all. And it could also be anyone. and no one would want to end up in the fire, and most certainly, we do not wish so for anyone as well. So when you think of how you would like to be treated, if you were in that position, how you would not like to be left to drown, but would love to be saved, it will motivate you to do so to others. It would motivate you to look beyond the attitude of the sinner and towards getting rid of that sin. That would be your main concern. And that is the way to develop compassion towards ourselves. And the firm unity and brotherhood that islam is all about begins to reflect on us, our bond becomes stronger because we would all be collectively working towards Jannah and the pleasure of Allah…helping each other all the way. 

“in order to have an effect on those one comes across, a believer should reach a maturity in their behavior and language where they will feel responsible for the mistakes of others. Just like a doctor whose responsibility is to look for a cure for the illness rather than getting angry with the patient, one should see the sinners as birds with broken wings and instead of getting angry, take them into the court of your heart and hate the sin, not the sinner”

If we never meet again...

“Live everyday as though it is your last day”. These are words we have heard quite a number of times, but 
perhaps have not given much thought to. 

Today, for a moment I tried to visualize all the people in my life. My family, friends, Neighbors, classmates from all the stages of my education, even the random people one meets once in a while at the events of life.  Not one from all these people mentioned met me by chance or is a part of my life by mere coincidence. Rather, it was from the design and plan of Allah in His immense wisdom, and He placed them all there for a reason. 

As I imagined and tried to remember all these people, the questions that came to my mind were “was I good enough to them?” “did I in any way make an impact in their lives?”. Some of these people, I wondered if I would ever meet again. Some I knew with surety that I would not, because they have passed on (may Allah have mercy on their souls). And others, “in sha Allaah” I said to myself, we would probably meet again soon :).  

The whole point of this is, sometimes we forget very quickly, that the events of this life are passing ones. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing at all. Not the people, nor situations. Everything comes to pass. So we meet people every day, and for some, that may be the last day we would ever see them. Others might have a few months, a few years, but in the end, the parting time surely comes. When we relate this to the advice I mentioned earlier, “live everyday as though it is your last day”, we can see that this also means “treat everyone you meet, as though it is the last time you will see them”. No matter how long we live with people, no matter how long their stay, a day will come when they will have to go. subhanAllaah. 

So what is the implication of this? It makes it easier for us to patient. Infact, it makes us want to be patient because we would want to maximize the “good” and this could mean totally forgetting or ignoring the “bad”. Leaving a lasting good impression. Forgiving, tolerating, helping, cheering, and the list goes on.

A typical example would be our high school or university friends. For most of us, we would give anything to have one more hour with them. And what would we do with that one hour? We would maximize it, tell each other how much we care and have missed one another. We would make the most of it. we would overlook each other’s faults and focus on the good things…but do we get to have this one hour? Hardly ever, because our time is gone.  But how about the ones with whom we are still together?

When we look back in the past, wishing there are things we could mend, we make the mistake of not mending what is right in front of us. It soon becomes another past we regret.  

For any time we think about people we could have been nicer to, people we could have tolerated more, but cannot anymore because it is too late, let us look to those we still have. Let us imagine that someday, we would look back and they would be there…in what would then be called “the past”. That someday, we would wish we had been more patient with them, we would wish we had forgiven them or had rendered that assistance to them but would not be able to anymore, because their phase in our lives have ended. 

It could be a colleague at work, a neighbor, a friend, anyone. No one remains in our lives forever.  Just as we don’t remain in the lives of others forever. 

This goes to say, a little extra patience would not hurt. A little extra kindness, a little extra care; these things would turn out to be what you would look back to and smile in satisfaction. “Alhamdulillah, I did the best I could for her/him. Alhamdulillah, I did not miss a chance to make him/her smile” Alhamdulillah.

No matter how difficult, unbearable, intolerable a person may be. You would be glad you were more patient in the end, because it pays.

No matter how much a person has hurt you, oppressed you, and cheated you; You would be glad and thankful you overlooked and still did them good, because it pays.

No matter how much a person has wronged you and offended you; you would be glad you had forgiven and still treated them with kindness. Because your conscience would be clear.

Just  when you are about to blow off, just when you are about to give up on a person, or you are feeling too let down; remember, “this too shall pass” and be more patient.

It’s better to be hurt than to hurt someone

It’s better to be cheated than to cheat someone

It’s better to be betrayed than to betray someone.

But if you can avoid these two altogether, then it is surely best :)

Strive to leave a lasting impact on the people you meet. Strive to be patient, kind and loving. Be the best of who you are and let not the people bring you down. Focus on the good and ignore the bad. And always make dua for the people around you.

Good is what lies within you. Good is what you represent. Good is what you stand for. And by Goodness you have been sent.  Settle for no less than Good, and keep your soul pure and clean.